LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to address the mounting emotional instability of Los Angeles County residents—brought on by rent prices, parking tickets, and Mercury Retrograde—the Department of Mental Health (DMH) has launched a bold and spiritually confusing new trauma treatment program titled “Vibe and Heal™.”
This multi-sensory emotional reboot includes therapeutic crying sessions, lavender misting, and a complimentary playlist called “Sad Girl Energy Vol. 3.”
Trauma, But Make It Aesthetic
The cornerstone of this program? Bathtub-based healing.
Each participant is assigned their own amethyst-lined soaking tub, filled with ethically sourced oat milk and sponsored by Goop. Participants are instructed to sob gently while a therapist plays ambient whale moans and whispers affirmations like:
“Your childhood wounds are valid.” “He wasn’t even that hot.” “You are not your group chat.”
Emotional Support Smoothies Included
Every healing session concludes with an emotional support smoothie, made from kale, trauma-free blueberries, and one single tear from the last patient.
“It tastes like closure,” said one participant. “Or like sadness and chia seeds.”
AI Therapists Now Available (and Slightly Judgmental)
In a groundbreaking pilot program, the DMH is also testing AI therapy bots trained on 9 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, BoJack Horseman quotes, and vintage Tumblr posts.
One participant reported:
“The AI told me I was self-sabotaging but in a sexy, relatable way. Then it played SZA and ghosted me.”
How to Sign Up
To qualify for the program, residents must:
Be emotionally exhausted
Own at least 3 tote bags that say “It’s okay not to be okay”
Have cried in a Trader Joe’s parking lot (optional, but preferred)
Space is limited and highly competitive. As one therapist put it:
“People will do anything for free therapy. Even heal.”
inal Thoughts
The Department’s new approach to trauma is being praised for its Gen-Z relatability, TikTok virality, and extreme lack of paperwork.
LA Mayor Eric Garcetti allegedly approved the budget while meditating under a moon lamp and stress-baking banana bread.
“Our goal,” said DMH spokesperson Luna Moonshine-MacKenzie, “is to make healing something people want to do between Pilates and crying in traffic.”
