If you’ve never experienced emotional whiplash from watching two people break up on Instagram and get back together on BeReal, allow us to introduce the ever-legendary couple: Eli and Jordan.
They’ve broken up 12 times this year.
It’s July.
Chapter 1: The Breakup Begins (Again)
It’s the last Thursday of the month—a sacred day in their relationship known as Breakup Eve.
Jordan sends Eli a 3-paragraph breakup text that starts with:
“I just feel like you don’t like my Spotify Wrapped energy anymore.”
Eli responds with a voice note that begins with a sigh so dramatic, NASA detected it from space:
“You didn’t even like my post about my oat milk trauma, Jordan. How can we grow if you don’t validate my content?”
Chapter 2: The Public Mourning Phase
Within 10 minutes, they each post vague stories:
- Eli: a black screen with the text “Sometimes love just isn’t enough 🖤”
- Jordan: a blurry photo of the moon with Lana Del Rey softly playing
- Their mutual friend Casey comments: “Again??”
TikTok is flooded. Sad edits. Zodiac analysis. Tarot readings about their emotional compatibility. #Elidan is trending again.
Chapter 3: The Main Character Arc
For the next 3 days:
- Eli is journaling aggressively in cursive with glitter pens
- Jordan is listening to Frank Ocean in the shower while posting thirst traps titled “healing 🧿💧”
- Both of them update their bios to say “Unapologetically me.”
They each go on a coffee date with someone named Ash.
Neither date goes well because they both keep checking each other’s Instagram stories.
Chapter 4: The Reconciliation
By Sunday night, Eli texts:
“Hey… I still have your Stanley cup.”
Jordan responds:
“That was a gift, but I also miss your dog.”
An hour later, they meet at the park to “exchange items” (nothing is exchanged) and cry while listening to a shared playlist titled “We were art.”
By midnight, they’re back together.
Eli tweets:
“Love always wins 💗✨”
Jordan changes their profile pic back to a matching one with Eli and captions it:
“Don’t talk unless it’s about us 💋”
Chapter 5: Coming Soon…
Their friends create a group chat titled:
“Eli & Jordan Watch 2025: Emotional Olympics”
It has a scoreboard. And betting.
A psychic told them their love story is karmic.
Their therapist told them it’s co-dependent.
Eli and Jordan?
They call it:
“Growth. With vibes.”
THE END (until next month).
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